Never Home

I desperately want to go home

But I have yet to find it

Whether it exists somewhere

Or in somebody, I do not know

Everything swirls around me

But the world stays the same

My vision is blurred

Skewing my unknown future

And before too long

The darkness will return

Smothering the light

With the ashes from my soul

So my body will wonder around

Lost in this endless crowd

Left with only one comforting thought

Where I lay my at will always be home

Once Again....

Damn..I fucked up (as usual). I am such a fuck up. I completely lost it the other day. I am not sure how the other parties involved can forgive me. Hell, I can't forgive myself, why should they forgive me? This just proves my theory...I don't need to be here anymore. Why should I when I keep fucking up? I don't even know if I know how to live a normal life. For the last three years I have done nothing but mess things up. God, please help me.

I want to crank the music so loud that it blows my eardrums so I can't hear the ridicule. I want to get rid of this voice inside of me. It's the one that the music can't drown out, no matter the volume, believe me I've tried. So I will go on with this shame, searching for a buffer from this pain. As I cry, I desperately beg for forgiveness and understanding.

My Legacy

My legacy will be fingerprints I leave on your memories,
Looking back at a moments when we used to joke around.
Do you miss the way we used to be?
Loving life with no fears, constantly carefree.

Well that’s forever gone so don’t expect anything more,
Just look forward and move on with the life you planned.
Pretend that everything is alright, full of normality’s,
‘Cause my legacy will be fingerprints I leave on your memories.

The World Today

Falling down to the world below the creatures of seemingly importance, you struggle against odds to live through a lesson within an experience that will expand you mind. But what an expensive price to be credited to a charge card, so that all debts big or small may grow with interest compounded daily; then tear into you unstable mind, torn heart, absent soul, always collecting payment. And at times, the tilting world seems as though some insignificant person whose only objective or function is to occupy space within an overcrowded, undereducated, and demoralized society, will jack up interest rates just to see you suffer.

Again an event takes place somewhere in the nuclear universe that alters you irksome but shielded life. A blazing light emerges that radiates upon various new roads in front of you. Walking through brush, tearing flesh, straining muscles only to find a town that, where in this town, the jury is always rigged but the people know; they always know the truth. However, in this egg-shaped world, the truth whether right or wrong, will help you not. The only thing that may help, but probably won’t, would be people’s all-important opinion on their perspective of what is acceptable in society.

So the advice given around the now box-shaped world is keep your secrets locked up tight; use a dead bolt, key, combination, chain, and anything else desired by your distorted heart to protect yourself. Then ring the bells for the child that cries when innocence dies, for that child will crawl on its hands and knees accumulating bruises, whelps, and scars that will never in an entire lifetime be forgotten. Pray to the God of your choosing that the humble, fragile, innocent child is not you.

Life This Way

She awakes in the morning alone in her bed
Sadden to leave her dreams behind
The daily routine of life will never change
A better life is in her mind

It seems like tomorrow will be a better day
Safe from reality and herself
But here and now will anything change;
Is there a cure to her failing health?

She looks in the mirror
And says that today’s the day
Not for one more minute
Will she live her life this way.

Run

When all fails
Run...
Leave me alone
Control
Anger
Run...
Lack of trust
Violation
Run...
Repeated failure
Everyday
Slammed
Run...
Ghosts escape
Guilt
Consumption
Run.

It's Hard To.....

It’s hard to be me when I don’t know who I am
It’s hard to be free when my mind is a prison
It’s hard to see through the fog and traffic jam
It’s hard to see the ghosts of those who’ve risen.

It’s hard to be me when I don’t know who I am
It’s hard to be the person that everybody once knew
It’s hard to see the cracks in my emotional dam
It’s hard to see how my perfect life went askew.

It’s hard to be me when I don’t know who I used to be
It’s hard to be somebody whom you’ve never known
It’s hard to see the damage of the falling debris
It’s hard to see through the darkness all alone.

It’s hard to be me when I don’t know who I used to be
It’s hard to be the rock that others expect of you
It’s hard to see that real life has no guarantee
It’s hard to see the all the debts that we accrue.

It’s fucking hard to see………..

Salvage

If I could not find a way then I must try to salvage part of my day
Thinking, breathing, debating about time and the spaces between
When nothing compares with everything and no solution is found
Hide and seek, remember and forget the past and present

See you hanging around ducking down behind the corners
I never could explain what I’ve seen and don’t believe
Failure within success, inspiration of voids in life
All the weight falls on me crashing the world of make-believe

If I could sell my soul for a piece of mind
Then I could make the wrong seem right even in the night
With daylight fading faster and the night lasting longer everyday
I still don’t know where I belong, neither here nor there or in between

Life is not what it was before; all these dreams I’ve never seen
It seems too far to reach with the mistakes that plaque my existence
I’m not ashamed only afraid of exactly who I’ve become today
And who it is that will stand before God on judgment day.

Confucius

I can not and will not proceed with the feelings that I have. However, I can not under good conscience reside. What have I become??? I often ask myself this question and as usual I receive no answer. Sometimes I feel that the weight of the world will be too much and I will succumb to the reactions that I have created.

It won't be too long that the weight will bear so much pressure that I will succumb. I just wish that others that know me will understand the turmoil that I must embrace and respect the decision that I have made escape.

The music that plays in my head consumes the thoughts that infiltrated my silence. I wish I could stop.....One beat turns into the next, and that turns into an expression; that is one that I am not willing to give........not for an instance.....not for some fucked up cause......Not for anything other than what it is..........THE END.

Confucius said: "Study the past, if you would divine the future."

Studying the past is wise; however at this time I wish no future....at least not one with me in it. I cannot no matter how hard I try; I cannot get the visions from my mind.

To My Good Friend...

A good friend of mine killed himself because of the deeds that we had done overseas. I wish with every bone that I could have him back. He was one of us....a soldier, a brother, a friend. I can not reason why he left us. I tried so hard to pull us back together but that wasn't enough ...Mamma Ski wasn't enough, I wasn't enough.

I have tried to live my life according to the Good Book. But I know that I have failed. I was given a chance to witness to others and failed to do so......My dilemma is, how can one witness to another with the same or worse sins??? If I cannot forgive myself or let God forgive me, how can I advise others of their path? What did my friend die for??? What did my soul die for???

I miss him. My heart aches...bleeding for him....seeing him.....knowing that he is in a place that I could only want and dream to be in.....Life is easier when it is not known about........I never would have thought .............

Nights Like Tonight

I hate nights like tonight. I am neither drunk nor sober. I neither want to live or die. But I have this uncontrollable rage to hurt myself in one way or another. I am not crazy enough to die; I am not happy enough to live; I am willing to live hating every essence of myself. This is a form of torture that I have created to make my life worth living. Though sometimes I come to realize the truth, that life no matter how precious, is not worth my contributions. You see, there is a balance. You must do good to insure goodness. I am not that. My life is not worth that goodness. I have taken soo much from others; I would not unders any circumstance ask for my life to be saved or bargained for. That is a privilage that I am not welcome to. However I do not care about this. I am welcome to the pain and retrubution that is deserved for the actions that I took. I make not excuses and offer no apologises. I am however sorry that I had to learn about the world this way. I feel that there is so much I could have given to others, but that won't happen now.

One of These Mornings

One of these mornings

It will be black as night

With shadows and phantoms

Attacking me within.

One of these mornings

My blood will flow

Like a stormy sea

With the help of gin.

One of these mornings

Between the day and night

They will come looking

Only to find me gone.

One of these mornings

I will arise with peace

Leaving the sadness behind

And knowing how to move on.

Sceaming Silence

Tonight I feel like crying but I won’t because soldiers don’t cry and I am a soldier to the very last bone. This is a poem a wrote not too long ago.

Thoughts swirl through my crowded head,

Bouncing off the white padded walls,

Trapped in a self built prison of violence.

Whispers are heard through the yelling inside

The most trivial of words through the confusion,

Until my last option is to scream in silence.

My enemies have procured through emotion

And I have fought battles that most have never known

Living an unknown life, always screaming in silence.

Screaming In My Head

What can I say???

I am confused.

Exactly how is it that one day I could be happy and content with life and the next be so lost? I realized that none of this happened in one day but that is how it feels.

Fuck.

I am exhausted and utterly frustrated by the lack of progress with the recovery process. My body aches with distain and the screaming in my head drowns out the sanity. For the last two years I have been walking on a tightrope, teetering on the verge of accepance and disillusionment.

Just once I would like to sleep all the way through the night without the damn dreams. The fucking dreams. Sometimes I awake not knowing the difference between reality and the dream. It is these moments that make me not want to sleep; not want to return to the sand box.

On the other hand, there are times that I wish I could go back to that year and just stay. In that year I was whole and with my real family. I was Mamma Ski. When I returned to the states, I left that part of me in Iraq. Unfortunately that was the best part of me.

Why I'm Here

I am a first time blogger and am not sure exactly how well this is going to go over. My VA counselor suggested that I find an "out" for my emotions. Apparently my avenues for approach to my PTSD have not been very healthy.

First I should give a little background about myself. After serving for 6 years in the Army Reserves, in April 2003 I was deployed to Iraq. Up to that point, my life had been relatively normal if there is such thing. Then there was THE WAR. That is when my view on life was shattered into pieces and scattered in space. Now I float around trying to capture and piece myself together, trying to regain some essence of who I was because I sure as hell don't know who I am right now.