Confucius

I can not and will not proceed with the feelings that I have. However, I can not under good conscience reside. What have I become??? I often ask myself this question and as usual I receive no answer. Sometimes I feel that the weight of the world will be too much and I will succumb to the reactions that I have created.

It won't be too long that the weight will bear so much pressure that I will succumb. I just wish that others that know me will understand the turmoil that I must embrace and respect the decision that I have made escape.

The music that plays in my head consumes the thoughts that infiltrated my silence. I wish I could stop.....One beat turns into the next, and that turns into an expression; that is one that I am not willing to give........not for an instance.....not for some fucked up cause......Not for anything other than what it is..........THE END.

Confucius said: "Study the past, if you would divine the future."

Studying the past is wise; however at this time I wish no future....at least not one with me in it. I cannot no matter how hard I try; I cannot get the visions from my mind.

To My Good Friend...

A good friend of mine killed himself because of the deeds that we had done overseas. I wish with every bone that I could have him back. He was one of us....a soldier, a brother, a friend. I can not reason why he left us. I tried so hard to pull us back together but that wasn't enough ...Mamma Ski wasn't enough, I wasn't enough.

I have tried to live my life according to the Good Book. But I know that I have failed. I was given a chance to witness to others and failed to do so......My dilemma is, how can one witness to another with the same or worse sins??? If I cannot forgive myself or let God forgive me, how can I advise others of their path? What did my friend die for??? What did my soul die for???

I miss him. My heart aches...bleeding for him....seeing him.....knowing that he is in a place that I could only want and dream to be in.....Life is easier when it is not known about........I never would have thought .............

Nights Like Tonight

I hate nights like tonight. I am neither drunk nor sober. I neither want to live or die. But I have this uncontrollable rage to hurt myself in one way or another. I am not crazy enough to die; I am not happy enough to live; I am willing to live hating every essence of myself. This is a form of torture that I have created to make my life worth living. Though sometimes I come to realize the truth, that life no matter how precious, is not worth my contributions. You see, there is a balance. You must do good to insure goodness. I am not that. My life is not worth that goodness. I have taken soo much from others; I would not unders any circumstance ask for my life to be saved or bargained for. That is a privilage that I am not welcome to. However I do not care about this. I am welcome to the pain and retrubution that is deserved for the actions that I took. I make not excuses and offer no apologises. I am however sorry that I had to learn about the world this way. I feel that there is so much I could have given to others, but that won't happen now.

One of These Mornings

One of these mornings

It will be black as night

With shadows and phantoms

Attacking me within.

One of these mornings

My blood will flow

Like a stormy sea

With the help of gin.

One of these mornings

Between the day and night

They will come looking

Only to find me gone.

One of these mornings

I will arise with peace

Leaving the sadness behind

And knowing how to move on.

Sceaming Silence

Tonight I feel like crying but I won’t because soldiers don’t cry and I am a soldier to the very last bone. This is a poem a wrote not too long ago.

Thoughts swirl through my crowded head,

Bouncing off the white padded walls,

Trapped in a self built prison of violence.

Whispers are heard through the yelling inside

The most trivial of words through the confusion,

Until my last option is to scream in silence.

My enemies have procured through emotion

And I have fought battles that most have never known

Living an unknown life, always screaming in silence.

Screaming In My Head

What can I say???

I am confused.

Exactly how is it that one day I could be happy and content with life and the next be so lost? I realized that none of this happened in one day but that is how it feels.

Fuck.

I am exhausted and utterly frustrated by the lack of progress with the recovery process. My body aches with distain and the screaming in my head drowns out the sanity. For the last two years I have been walking on a tightrope, teetering on the verge of accepance and disillusionment.

Just once I would like to sleep all the way through the night without the damn dreams. The fucking dreams. Sometimes I awake not knowing the difference between reality and the dream. It is these moments that make me not want to sleep; not want to return to the sand box.

On the other hand, there are times that I wish I could go back to that year and just stay. In that year I was whole and with my real family. I was Mamma Ski. When I returned to the states, I left that part of me in Iraq. Unfortunately that was the best part of me.

Why I'm Here

I am a first time blogger and am not sure exactly how well this is going to go over. My VA counselor suggested that I find an "out" for my emotions. Apparently my avenues for approach to my PTSD have not been very healthy.

First I should give a little background about myself. After serving for 6 years in the Army Reserves, in April 2003 I was deployed to Iraq. Up to that point, my life had been relatively normal if there is such thing. Then there was THE WAR. That is when my view on life was shattered into pieces and scattered in space. Now I float around trying to capture and piece myself together, trying to regain some essence of who I was because I sure as hell don't know who I am right now.