Screaming In My Head

What can I say???

I am confused.

Exactly how is it that one day I could be happy and content with life and the next be so lost? I realized that none of this happened in one day but that is how it feels.

Fuck.

I am exhausted and utterly frustrated by the lack of progress with the recovery process. My body aches with distain and the screaming in my head drowns out the sanity. For the last two years I have been walking on a tightrope, teetering on the verge of accepance and disillusionment.

Just once I would like to sleep all the way through the night without the damn dreams. The fucking dreams. Sometimes I awake not knowing the difference between reality and the dream. It is these moments that make me not want to sleep; not want to return to the sand box.

On the other hand, there are times that I wish I could go back to that year and just stay. In that year I was whole and with my real family. I was Mamma Ski. When I returned to the states, I left that part of me in Iraq. Unfortunately that was the best part of me.