I hate nights like tonight. I am neither drunk nor sober. I neither want to live or die. But I have this uncontrollable rage to hurt myself in one way or another. I am not crazy enough to die; I am not happy enough to live; I am willing to live hating every essence of myself. This is a form of torture that I have created to make my life worth living. Though sometimes I come to realize the truth, that life no matter how precious, is not worth my contributions. You see, there is a balance. You must do good to insure goodness. I am not that. My life is not worth that goodness. I have taken soo much from others; I would not unders any circumstance ask for my life to be saved or bargained for. That is a privilage that I am not welcome to. However I do not care about this. I am welcome to the pain and retrubution that is deserved for the actions that I took. I make not excuses and offer no apologises. I am however sorry that I had to learn about the world this way. I feel that there is so much I could have given to others, but that won't happen now.
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